Carla Kliever
Client Advocate
Eden came in for a scheduled pregnancy test while her partner, Joel, waited in the car with their dog until someone called him in for the test results.
Eden knew what an abortion entailed. Her first pregnancy ended in abortion at 11-weeks, the result of being counseled by her doctor to abort because he felt it was a “medical emergency” and that it would be dangerous to carry a baby to term.
I first met with Eden last fall with her second pregnancy, but the pregnancy had resulted in a miscarriage. The miscarriage had been a traumatic experience for Eden and Joel. Because Eden felt supported for the pregnancy that had resulted in miscarriage, she had returned to LivingWell for her current pregnancy.
As we talked through the pain of the loss of life from her miscarriage, through word and actions I sought to convey my empathy for her pregnancy journeys. Ways she could constructively process her abortion and miscarriage experience were discussed, such as focusing on the little life she lost, maybe giving him/her a name, lighting a candle, writing him/her a letter, etc.
Eden needed to talk through her emotions, her fear of losing another baby, and her poor communication with Joel, and I listened. I said, “Couples that have miscarriages often either become closer, or a wedge forms between them.” At that, she started to cry saying, “There’s a wedge! He won’t talk to me. I don’t know what he’s thinking! When we do talk, we fight about the littlest things!”
The original plan was for me to fetch Joel when Eden and I finished with the intake and the nurse was ready to come in and talk about the test results and a possible ultrasound appointment. However, as Eden shared her frustration with Joel, I suggested that I go talk with him while the nurse met with her and before I brought him into the ultrasound room. Eden said, “Maybe he’ll open up to you. You’re a third party.”
Standing by Joel’s car, we talked about their need for housing, his work and their dog.
I then asked him how he felt about their situation and Eden’s comment that she wished she knew what he was thinking. He shared two things with me. First, that he is
not used to verbalizing his thoughts and feelings; preferring to keep them inside. Second, Joel shared that Eden tends to want to talk about serious stuff at the wrong times, “like when we’re driving somewhere, and I’m already stressed about the traffic.”
About that time, we were called in for Eden’s ultrasound exam. After the exam, the three of us went into the consult room to wrap up Eden’s visit. Our conversation eventually landed upon their communication styles. I affirmed Eden’s need to express her feelings and thoughts but also suggested different ways she could vent her raw feelings before talking with Joel. After this was done, she could identify the main things she wanted to tell him directly.
Thinking about what he said about her timing, I suggested she ask him, “When would be a good time to talk?” and set a specific time with him.
For Joel’s part, I acknowledged that many men have so many things they are responsible for and need to be strong for, that they might be tempted to just stuff the unpleasant things inside rather than take time to talk about them. And that continually stuffing things could catch up with you in the form of fatigue or illness. I gave examples from my own life and how I relapsed with arthritis due to stress that I had not dealt with healthfully.
I suggested writing letters to each other if that would help them get their thoughts together and get everything said without being interrupted. They both chuckled. While sharing how just a couple years ago my husband gave me a letter he wrote to me, in frustration, about the proper way for me to wrap the cord around our vacuum sweeper. No matter how many times he’d told me, I was still doing it in a way that left it too tangled for him to easily unwind it. They both burst out laughing because this was one of the issues in their home.
Finally, I said something like this, “There is one more place where you can safely vent your feelings and not worry about upsetting someone, taking their time, or showing a side of you that you don’t want seen, and that is with God. I highly recommend this. Find a place where you are alone and you can talk out loud. Tell Him what you feel, ask Him questions, dump, release, get it all out. Use bad words if that’s what you’re thinking. He can take it. He can absorb it all. He loves that you are venting on Him rather than taking it out on someone else. Stay with Him until His peace comes. The Bible says that if you draw near to God, He will draw near to you. That is your safest place to let it all out.”
Both Eden and Joel laughed when I described how I did that once when I was so angry with my husband, how I went to the attic and sat and ranted and raved until I had nothing left to say. I finally had peace, and I could not remember why I was so mad in the first place.
As we finished up, I asked if I could pray for them. Not only did they both say yes, but Joel rolled up his sleeve and said, “I have a prayer right here.” He revealed a beautiful tattoo on his arm, with the words, “If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.”
At LivingWell, we believe that for every woman who walks through our doors, there is a man, her partner, who we can extend hope and encouragement to as well. I know that God brought to mind the humor of my vacuum story and working through conflict in my own life as an opportunity to speak into Joel’s life.
Important Note: LivingWell discloses to clients when they first arrive that for the most part we are not licensed counselors or therapists. In addition, we provide permission based consultations. A client is always asked if they would like to discuss a topic prior to beginning the conversation. In addition, if a client shares information separate from their partner, permission to share with their partner is obtained.
Note – Photos throughout this newsletter of clients may not have been clients considering an abortion and may not be the client in the story.