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Jeff Abel

Relationships

6 Questions to Ask Before Moving in Together

Moving In Together

You’ve been dating for a while. Maybe you’re already spending a few nights a week together. And the topic of moving in together has recently come up. You realize it’s a big step and you’re not sure if you’re ready, but you think you might be.

You’re not alone. Cohabitation, or living together, has increased more than 1,500% since the 1960s according to a survey from the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia. Another study from Rutgers University shows that nearly 50% of all couples getting married have already lived together.

This increase may be attributed to several factors from the economy, to the availability of birth control, to changing cultural attitudes about sexuality. Whatever the cause, making the decision to move in together is a big one. One that you should take some time to think over. Here are 6 questions to get you started as you consider the pros and cons.

1 – Why do you want to move in together?

Oftentimes moving in together just happens gradually over time. It wasn’t intentional, there was no real thought put into it. One day you both just realized you were basically living together and decided to give up one of your leases.  That’s not the case for you though. You and your partner are talking about it, being intentional and want to make the best decision.

Maybe one of the reasons you are thinking about moving in is you aren’t ready for the commitment of marriage. Maybe you’ve seen the divorce rate. Or maybe you come from a family that has experienced divorce and you know the pain involved, so you don’t want to experience it yourself.

Maybe you are thinking about marriage and think a “test drive” would be good. This is a line we hear from guys more than girls. They say, “You wouldn’t buy a car without taking it out for a test drive. Why would you get married without living together first?” Really, a test drive? So what’s the return policy if the drive doesn’t go well? The problem isn’t just that a “test drive” communicates a total lack of commitment, it’s that studies show that married couples who live together before the wedding are actually more likely to get a divorce than those who don’t. So, if divorce is one of your fears, living together actually increases your chances rather than decreasing them.

2 – Do you have realistic expectations about moving in together?

We know, you’re madly in love and your partner is amazing. They probably are. But once you move in together, you will see another side of them. You just will. Up until now you’ve probably seen them at their best. Hair done, makeup on, clean shaven. But reality hits when you move in together because you can’t always put your best foot forward. You need to talk about it before moving in together and have a plan so you don’t become frustrated when your expectations aren’t met. Things like who’s going to do the dishes, take out the trash, do laundry, clean the toilet.

And it goes beyond household chores. Sure the first few weeks you may love spending all your time together. But eventually you are going to need some personal space. Maybe it’s a time home alone, or a night out with friends. Whatever it is, you need a plan to spend some time apart. This is especially true once you begin to discover each other’s annoying little habits that we all have.

Having some clear expectations going into a situation are better than waiting until feelings are hurt and emotions are running high.

3 – What about the finances?

Splitting rent is a great deal and a way to save some money, but finances are also the #1 source of conflict in most relationships. Setting clear expectations about who’s paying the bills and managing the money is essential. Are you splitting all expenses 50/50 – rent, utilities, groceries, date nights, vacations, or do you have another plan? Whose name is on the lease? Which leads to our next question.

4 – Where will you live when you move in together?

Your place or theirs? That’s usually the question. Maybe yours is bigger, but their rent is cheaper. You have more space, theirs is closer to work or campus. These are all important things, but maybe not the most important.

Having to share “your” space with someone can present challenges. Are you ready to give up half of your space? What happens when your workspace becomes their home office? Sometimes finding a new space is the easiest solution, but that presents its own set of challenges if things don’t work out.

5 – What if things don’t work out?

After all, it was just a test drive, and it just didn’t work. Better now than after we got married. Easy to say, but still painful and not so easy to work out most of the time. The expectations for moving in together are different than marriage, the commitment is lower, and easier to walk away from. Not only is the commitment lower, but usually the standards are also lower when considering someone to move in versus marriage. While that makes it easier to get into a live-in relationship, it doesn’t always make it easier getting out. Remember that new place you got with both of your names on the lease. Which one of you is homeless now? All the things you purchased together, who gets those? And the pets? All of this can lead to an even uglier breakup. And what about kids? We’ll talk about that in the next question. If the relationship doesn’t work out, things can be more heartbreaking after moving in together. We know, none of us ever imagine it could happen to us, but statistics say it is probable.

6 – Are you ready for children?

“Slooooooooow Dooooooooown” is probably what you’re thinking. We get it. You haven’t even talked about where you’re going to live and if you’re thinking about marriage yet. Well, you better add talking about children to the list of things to talk about, especially when you consider that around 20% of women who are cohabitating will get pregnant within the first year of moving in together. Yeah – probably not what you were wanting to hear, but you need to know and talk about it first. It’s a fairly big decision and you’ll want to know if he plans on sticking around or leave you with a baby or facing an abortion alone.

It’s a Big Decision

While on the surface it might seem like an easy decision, maybe even a “no brainer”, moving in together is a big decision. There are many factors to consider beyond the six questions we raise in this post. If this is something you’re considering, we encourage you to take some time to think it through, to weigh the pros and cons and even talk it over with someone who isn’t invested in your relationship. If you need someone to talk with, we’d love to sit down, ask questions, listen and help you work through what is going to be best for you.

If you’ve already made the decision to move in together and are having second thoughts, or are facing an unplanned pregnancy or the possibility of a STD, we’re here for you as well.

Neva Monigatti-Lake

Neva Monigatti-Lake

Medical Director

The content on this page has been reviewed and approved by our Medical Director.

Medical, Sexual Health, STIs

The Five – Syphilis

The Five Syphilis

“The Five” is a series of blog posts that will look at some of the most common STIs/STDs and give you answers to five of the most important questions you should be asking.

Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) are often not talked about because it can be an awkward topic, and when they are discussed, they are frequently misunderstood. For young adults, they are a big problem. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) report that there has been an increase in the number of reported cases of Syphilis in recent years and that right now those rates are higher than they have been in 15 years. In 2014 CDC reported there were 63,450 new cases.

Asking the right questions and getting accurate answers is important. Because the more you know, the better you can protect yourself.

The Five – Syphilis

#1 – What is Syphilis and how do you get it?

Syphilis is a common STD that when not treated can cause long-term complications, but is simple to cure when caught and treated correctly. You get Syphilis by coming into direct contact with a Syphilis sore. As with most STDs, that happens by having oral, vaginal or anal sex with someone who is infected. Syphilis sores can be found on the penis, vagina, anus, inside the rectum, and on the lips and inside the mouth. It can also be passed from an infected pregnant woman to her unborn baby.

#2 – What are the symptoms of Syphilis?

Syphilis symptoms are divided into 4 stages.

Primary Stage: During the first stage you may notice a single or multiple sores located where it entered the body. These sores are often round shaped, firm and do not cause pain. The sore can last from 3-6 weeks and will heal regardless of treatment, but the infection is still there and without treatment will move to the next stage.

Secondary Stage: During this stage you may experience rashes and sores in your mouth, vagina, or anus. The rash may show up in a single or multiple places. It can also show up while you are experiencing healing for your primary sore, or may happen several weeks after healing. Additional symptoms that may occur are rashes on your hands or feet, fever, swollen lymph glands, sore throat, patchy hair loss, headaches, weight loss, muscle aches, and fatigue. These symptoms will also go away with or without treatment. But without treatment, your infection will move into the latent or possibly the late stage.

Latent Stage: This stage happens when all of the earlier symptoms disappear. If you didn’t receive treatment, you still have Syphilis in your body and may go years without any symptoms. Most people without treatment don’t develop late stage Syphilis, however if it does occur, it can be 10-30 years after the infection started and can be serious.

Late Stage: During late stage Syphilis you experience difficulty coordinating your muscle activity, have paralysis, numbness, blindness and develop dementia. At this stage, the infection damages your internal organs and can result in death.

More information on the stages of Syphilis can be found at the CDC website.

#3 – How can I find out if I have Syphilis?

Syphilis is most often diagnosed with a blood test. Sometimes health care providers will also use fluid from a Syphilis sore for testing purposes.

#4 – Is there a cure for Syphilis?

Yes. With the right antibiotics, Syphilis can be cured. However, as the disease develops, the treatment will not undo any of the damage that the infection has already caused. Getting tested and treated early is important.

It is important to note that once you’ve been treated successfully for Syphilis, you are not protected from getting it again. Unless you know that your partner has been tested and treated for Syphilis you are at risk.

#5 – What happens if I don’t get tested and treated if I have Syphilis?

As noted above, most cases of Syphilis move into the latent stage without treatment. However, there is a risk of it moving to the late stage with serious consequences that might include death. For pregnant women, there is also a risk of passing it to your unborn baby which carries the risk of serious health problems such as cataracts, deafness, seizures, and possibly death. To protect the baby, you should be tested for Syphilis during your pregnancy and again at delivery and receive immediate treatment if the test is positive.

As we mentioned earlier, young people are a high-risk group when it comes to STDs like Syphilis. Latex condoms and dental dams used the correct way every time you have sex will lower your risk. However, the only sure-fire way to avoid getting any STD is to not have sexual contact (vaginal, oral or anal), until you are in a mutually monogamous relationship with an uninfected partner.

Bottom line, we want you to have all the information you need to make healthy decisions when it comes to sex. You can get more info about Syphilis from the CDC website on STDs.

If you are sexually active and think you might need an appointment for STI/STD testing, we hope to see you. All of our services are confidential and provided at no cost to you. If you have questions about Syphilis, or our services for other STIs/STDs, feel free to leave a message in the comments below.

Neva Monigatti-Lake

Neva Monigatti-Lake

Medical Director

The content on this page has been reviewed and approved by our Medical Director.

Medical, Sexual Health, STIs

The Five – Gonorrhea

The Five Gonorrhea

“The Five” is a series of blog posts that will look at some of the most common STIs and give you answers to five of the most important questions you should be asking. In this post we consider Gonorrhea.

Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) are often not talked about because it can be an awkward topic, and when they are discussed, they are frequently misunderstood. For young adults, they are a big problem. The Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates there was an average of 251,000 new Gonorrhea cases each year in the past five years in people between the ages of 15-29.

Asking the right questions and getting accurate answers is important. Because the more you know, the better you can protect yourself.

The Five – Gonorrhea

#1 – What is Gonorrhea and how do you get it?

Gonorrhea is a bacterial infection that is passed on through sexual contact. It is also known by slang terms such as “the clap” or “the drip”, and often co-exists with chlamydia another common STI. You can get Gonorrhea by having vaginal, oral or anal sex with a partner who is infected. It is important to note that if your partner is male, you can get infected even if ejaculation doesn’t occur. Finally, if you are pregnant it is important to know that Gonorrhea can be passed along to your baby during childbirth.

#2 – What are the symptoms of Gonorrhea?

For many women and men there aren’t any symptoms that indicate you have an infection. Because of this, not only is it hard to know if you have it, but it makes it virtually impossible to know if your partner might be infected.

For women, if there are symptoms they may resemble the feeling of a mild vaginal or bladder infection. They may experience pain when they urinate, increased vaginal discharge or even bleeding between periods. For men, symptoms can include pain or burning when urinating, a white, yellow or green discharge from the penis, or painful or swollen testicles. And occasionally men and women can experience pain, swelling, discharge or bleeding from the rectum.

#3 – How can I find out if I have Gonorrhea?

The only way to be sure if you have Gonorrhea is to get tested. LivingWell Medical Clinic offers appointments for testing at no cost to our clients, so there’s no reason not to find out.

#4 – Is there a cure for Gonorrhea?

Yes. If you test positive for Gonorrhea, there is medication that can cure the infection. In order for treatment to be successful there are a few things that must happen. You will need to take all of the medication prescribed. You will also need to refrain from sexual contact during the treatment and not have sex for 7 days after the treatment is complete. You will also want your partner to get tested and if needed receive treatment so you don’t become infected again. It is also important to know that it is getting harder to treat Gonorrhea because drug-resistant strains are increasing. So if symptoms continue for more than a few days after treatment, you should be tested again. And keep in mind that just because the treatment was successful and relatively easy the first time doesn’t mean it will be easy to treat in the future. You should avoid risky behavior that can lead to a repeat infection.

#5 – What happens if I don’t get tested and treated if I have Gonorrhea?

If you have Gonorrhea and don’t get proper treatment you are putting your and your future partner’s health at risk. Left untreated Gonorrhea can cause some serious health problems, especially in women. Women who contract Gonorrhea are at a higher risk for Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID), as well as infertility and possibly an ectopic pregnancy in the future. Untreated Gonorrhea may also increase your chances of contracting HIV according the the CDC.

As we mentioned earlier, young people are a high-risk group when it comes to STIs like Gonorrhea. Latex condoms and dental dams used the correct way every time you have sex will lower your risk. However, the only sure-fire way to avoid getting any STI is to not have sexual contact (vaginal, oral or anal), until you are in a mutually monogamous relationship with an uninfected partner.

Bottom line, we want you to have all the information you need to make healthy decisions when it comes to sex. You can get more info about Gonorrhea from the CDC here. If you are active and think you might need an appointment for a test, we hope to see you. All of our services are confidential and provided at no cost to you. If you have questions about Gonorrhea, our services or other STIs, feel free to leave a message in the comments below.

Eva Fisher

Eva Fisher

Nursing Director

The content on this page has been reviewed and approved by our Nursing Director.

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