Signs Of A Controlling Relationship

Seeing The Warning Signs

Do you feel physically or emotionally trapped in your relationship, isolated from friends and family, and like you hardly have a say in what you do or where you go? If you answered yes to any of those questions, there’s a big chance you’re in a controlling relationship. Whether you’ve been in a relationship for 2 months or 2 years, it’s important to be aware of potential harmful behaviors that may be present.

Being Pulled Away From Friends and Family

Controlling partners in a relationship will often tug you away from people that you’re close to. They want to be the only person who is constant in your life. Andrea Bonlor, a psychologist, writes in an article for Psychology Today that “It may start subtly, but this is often a first step for a controlling person. Maybe they complain about how often you talk to your brother on the phone, or say they don’t like your best friend and don’t think you should hang out with her anymore. Or they try to turn you against anyone that you’re used to relying on for support besides them.” This is one of the most common, and most damaging, signs of a controlling relationship.

Feeling Criticized

Criticism is another common sign that your partner is controlling. “Someone who’s controlling is always trying to undermine your confidence and put you down in private or in public,” Lilianna Hogen writes in her article on controlling traits. “They seem to want to emphasize your flaws and make you feel self-conscious about your quirks.” This can look like:

• Pointing out small mistakes
• Critiquing what you wear
• Making jokes about you in front of others
• Unnecessarily commenting on the way you act or the things that you say
• Mocking you

 

Constant criticism, even for the little things, can tear you down and make you feel like you need to change who you are. You may even start to act differently to avoid the constant jabs. This is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.

Making You Feel Guilty

If you ever feel hurt by your partner and express this to them, only for them to turn it around and blame you for their actions, they may be controlling you. Controlling partners may have a difficult time taking responsibility and make you feel guilty for something that they did. You might find yourself apologizing to them even though you were the one who was hurt. “A controlling partner will always say that their emotions are your fault. They will use you as a scapegoat and take the role of a victim, even in situations that you are not involved in.” (Hogen).

Invading Your Privacy

A partner who controls you will want to control everything in your life as well. To do this, this may snoop around where they shouldn’t. This behavior looks like:

• Reading your texts
• Going through your mail
• Reading your emails
• Looking through your personal belongings
• Checking your social media

 

Most of the time, these invasive actions are done without the other person’s knowledge. In every relationship, you should always have your privacy. Someone who ignores that privacy is someone who ignores boundaries. Andrea Bonlor writes that, “A controlling partner typically feels that they have the right to know more than they actually do. Whether they keep their snooping secret or openly demand that you must share everything with them, it is a violation of boundaries from the get-go.”

You Are Strong and Brave!

It can be hard to take steps forward in tough situations. You can do it! You are strong and confident. Find support in the people around you who can help you move forward and build a better future.

How We Can Help

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Sources and Links

Bonlor, Andrea. 20 Signs of a Controlling Partner. Psychology Today. 2015.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-of-a-controlling-partner

Hogan, Lilianna. Warning Signs That Your Partner Is Controlling. WebMD. 2021

https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/warning-signs-sexual-abuse-teens-young-adults

Lebow, Hilary. Are You in a Relationship with a Controlling Partner? 9 Signs. PsychCentral. 2021.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/signs-controlling-partner-relationship